Common Room Advocates for Procrastination: The CRAP Chronicles: Episode 5

Quadratic Field of Dreams

(The Dark Heart of Campus, Part 2)

by Kaye, Erick, & Ryan

Gratuitous Black-and-white Flashback:

A rainy night in August, 1965.

Two important people are standing in front of the AQ pond...Let's call them Agnes and Bruce. This is partly to protect the innocent, but mostly because we couldn't find real names.

Agnes stared across the surface of the water and questioned Bruce, "Do you honestly think you will succeed in concealing the truth forever?". Bruce shrugged his shoulders, which had borne more than their usual share as of late, and sighed, "Some day the truth will resurface. And I think I have a plan for when that day comes...."

[Ed. note - The above paragraph is representative of society's tendency to blame all of its problems on the mistakes of politicians. Also, it is a blatant rip-off of the X-Files in a futile attempt to bolster our ratings (futile because nobody reads these things anyway). See also The New Outer Limits, NBC's Dark Skies, and UPN's Nowhere Man.]

                    *                    *                    *
Scene I, Present Day:

When we last left our heroes, they were standing on the eastern shore of the pond, staring at the hitherto unseen bottom of the jade boulder as it levitated in the air a metre above the pond.

All was silent for a moment, as the various CRAPsters tried to make heads or tails of the situation using their own super-contemplative powers.

Patman reached into his Pat-Futility Belt (tm) and retreived a tea strainer. He began running in circles around the pond trying to examine the jade boulder through the tea strainer. Kaye tried standing on her head, hoping to get a better angle on the issue. Sonic Blaster attempted to jump high enough in the air that he could see the whole picture. A small fzzzzzzt was heard, and smoke was seen to well out of Noggin's ears. The Speaker of Powerwords correctly gauged how much the boulder would cost, if it were a salad.

"This is getting too silly." spoke Dr. Science after a few moments.

At that moment, Naranman activated his depression field at the stone, hoping to sink it back where it belonged. The depression field was reflected, and landed squarely on Sonic, in mid leap. Sonic lost all hope and came down without direction, knocking into Patman. Patman was knocked into the pond with a loud splash. He stood, knee deep in water, and glared at Sonic, who was by then lying on the grass, sobbing.

"Right, I've had enough of this." The CRAPsters looked at each other. Who had said that? Not one of them. Finally, Ken, who had managed to catch up, pointed to the water near where Patman was standing, dripping. "Great Scott!" cried Ken, "It's CARP!"

"I'm never going to get a job..." Sonic sobbed.

Kaye shook her head. "No, Ken. That's 'CRAP'. Possibly 'CRAFT', but definitely not 'CARP'."

"Just kill me now and get it over with..." Sonic continued.

Dr. Science, however, pointed to what Ken had seen, "'s CARP! It's Moby Fish! Where's Aquaman when we...."

"I might as well be an English major!" Sonic interjected.

Dr. Science, unimpressed at being interrupted, looked at Sonic. "You are an English major." she replied brutally.

Sonic blinked, stood up, and dusted himself off. "Right then, let's get on with this adventure."

A booming voice echoed from the pond, "Yes, I AM Moby Fish!" Patman was knocked back into the pond, and even Sonic was forced to cover his ears. "You CRAP are disturbing us CARP. Stop looking at the rock and look a moment at what it covered!". And Moby disappeared under the surface of the water.

The CRAP members, particularly the dripping Patman, turned their eyes into the pond, to see what the stone had concealed for so many years.

                    *                    *                    *
Gratuitous Black and White Flashback, part 2:

"...the markings on this ivory disk will, when interpreted correctly, reveal the locations of the Runes of Unlocking in the tunnels under the Quadrangle of Academics," continued Bruce as he stepped closer to the edge of the pond. "I'll place it here so that it will be secure until the time of the Portal's Resurgence. I can only hope that future generations will recognize it...."

                    *                    *                    *
Scene II:

"A pog!?!", exclaimed Vacuum Man after picking up the small round object. "A lousy pog! Man, what a disappointment! This pond really sucks!!!". It took a few seconds before he realized his error; by then it was too late.... "DOH!!"

The CRAP members fell silent again as the waters of the pond coalesced into a raging whirlpool, pulling them straight into the heart of the gaping abyss once occupied by the green rock. The rock itself hovered contentedly above.

                    *                    *                    *
Scenes III.1-III.8:

Dr. Science blinked. She looked around her. Total blackness. Where was she? She had to find out. She strained her eyes to see something in the dark. She could make out some stars overhead, and trees around her. Where were the other CRAPsters? Nowhere to be found. Then, just when her eyes were adjusting, she heard the most horrible noise. bzzzzzzzzz Mosquitos! Coming for her. Her heart lept into her throat, and her feet began running. Where? wasn't important. She had to get out of here, and find the other CRAPsters!

Noggin blinked as he looked at the computer terminal in front of him. He heard a whip crack. "Get to work, you louse!" shouted his thesis supervisor. Noggin had instinctively re-assumed his secret identity, the passive Erick. "" the whip cracked again, closer to his ear this time. He jumped, and turned to the keyboard of the Win '95 workstation in front of him, shuddering. Must....escape...must find vi...."
Kaye was gazing out at an astonishing view of the city of Vancouver. She stared for a moment, transfixed. Eventually, however, a sense of duty overcame her, and she turned to leave the room. Only there were no exits! She couldn't get out! On the wall was posted a notice, which she lifted and read. "You will remain in Metrotower II until August 26th, on which date you will board an airplane headed for Glasgow. By the time you return, you will no longer be "The Friendly Hulk". It's what you asked for." Kaye was beginning to get angry. She picked up the phone, and called 444-4444, "Please send flowers to Metrotower II...."
Sonic, who had as well turned into his gentler, if not quieter, alter ego, Ryan, was in a warehouse filled with motorcycles of every possible description. He began to drool.
TedMan was on his bike, riding across Europe. He immediately set his course across Asia, knowing that it would be the only way he could get back. And perhaps he could pick up CR Keith on the way past. "And when I get back," muttered TedMan to himself. "I'll take that Kines 143 that I've always wanted to take...." he paused, "Oh...I mean 142!"
El Presidente, forever bound to the university by ties greater than the universe itself was sucked into the whirlpool, but then sprang back as if attached to a bungee cord.
The Speaker of Powerwords found herself bound to a chair in some forgotten part of campus, waiting to be sold to IBM, which had stopped serving salad in the cafeteria!
And the Common Room was in unspeakable danger, over-run as it was by Ken and his lackeys. Whatever would become of it?
                    *                    *                    *
Gratuitous Black and White Flashback, part 3:

Bruce stepped back from the pond, still uneasy but satisfied that he'd done everything he knew he could. "As far as anyone will know," he thought aloud, "this is simply a big green rock."

"What do you mean green?" said Agnes. "This is a black-and-white flashback!"

"Fine, a big somewhat grey rock. At least grey rocks hide no secrets...."

                    *                    *                    *
Scene IV:

Noggin fought the urge to give up as he stared into the face of Microsoft Bob. He forced himself to type on. Finally, he had had enough.

He stood up, looked his captor in the eye, and shouted, with the strength of ten Sonics (although not of one Sonic in an empty hyperbolic room, or while playing Marathon), "No more of this evil vip...Every time I press escape, I have to sign a licensing agreement!!!" Panicked, he pressed Ctrl-Shift-Z. The computer promptly crashed. Everything around him went black.

Noggin found himself standing in a quadratic field, facing the Evil One himself. The fearsome twelve-foot mottled-purple fire-breathing five-headed beast (okay, this isn't really Bill Gates, but the original description was censored for frightening and obscene content and patent infringement) seethed hot air and prepared for the charge.

Noggin took his vorpal sword in hand, and prepared to defend the good, but Bill, surprisingly, did not charge. It stopped, red eyes staring out menacingly. Then it spoke. "Noggin, I am your father."

Noggin turned the vorpal sword in toward himself.

                    *                    *                    *

Ryan looked at Erick and Kaye quizzically, "Why are you writing an intermission into this? People can stop reading any time they want, and then just start up again."

Kaye looked blankly at Ryan for a moment, and then said, "Well, this sort of meta-crap stuff is YOUR fault, you started it back in CRAP 3, remember?"

Ryan blinked a little, "Yes, well, Keith didn't continue the tradition in CRAP 4."

Kaye sighed, "Don't you remember...sequence..this is all about sequence. In our Crappy sequence four comes before three in order, but not in time."

Ryan blinked, "Of course three comes before four. What are you saying?"

Erick shook his head sadly, "How many times have I tried to explain to you the [tech...errr...number theory]."

Ryan blinked, stunned. His senses reeled. "Yes....whatever you say, Erick...."

Kaye frowned, "Would you two stop playing around, let's get back to writing this thing."


Erick blinked, "Wait wait just hold everything...not another proprietary Netscape tag!"

Kaye eyed Erick skeptically. "Well, you didn't complain about the first one. How else do you expect me to end the intermission?"

Erick thought quickly, "Ummm...Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night?"

Kaye shook her head, "No, no, that's so cliched. How about a right curly bracket?"


Kaye shook her head again, "No that would go at the end of the whole thing."

Ryan spoke up. "It has always seemed to me that anything said loudly enough will end anything."

Kaye took the keyboard away from Ryan, "Ewwwww....pico users...autowrap. That's pretty gross... I say we keep him away from the rest of this. How about INBOX, in memoriam?"

"You have no inbox notes."

Kaye blinked, "What, you mean this is the end of the episode?"

Ryan agreed, "You can't end this part on an intermission! What happened to the cliffhanger?"

"Then again," Erick noted, "it would still be more suspenseful than the season finale of Voyager."

Kaye nodded at that. She thought about asking exactly what knowledge Erick had about the season finale of Voyager, but tactfully refrained. "And this way, Keith can write CRAP 7 before we get back to writing CRAP 6. This works quite nicely."

Erick nodded.


Kaye looked at Erick, "I guess he was right...anything said loud enough will end anything...."

Uncertain whether to speak up, Jason said anyway "Well, I didn't think that was shouting. It seemed more like bold, or italics...."

Frank Karabotsos dumped the bit bucket over his head. And there was much rejoicing.


Episode 5: Quadratic Field of Dreams
© Copyright 1996 Genuine CRAP productions. All rights reversed.