Common Room Advocates for Procrastination: Patman: Fit the Second

Patman: Fit the Second

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for: the eagerly anticipated, the amazing, the fantastic, the stupendous, the extraordinary, the spectacular, the incredible, the--oh no, my online thesaurus just crashed--now what was I saying? Oh yeah, the second episode of Patman: The Inanimate Series!

Tonight's special episode: "The Birthday Paradox"

Disclaimer: The events and characters hereby portrayed within are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely concidental. Especially if the aforesaid persons just happen to be math and/or computing majors at SFU, wearing either a fuzzy dark blue jacket or a blue and red vest, because it couldn't possibly be them, why not even the slightest chance, no siree...Our ideas are 100% pure beef, err, I mean original (but in any case far better than what Servomation has to offer). Really, honest! (Heh heh heh...They don't suspect a thing...)

[Ottawa: Monday, November 8, 1993]

Ronny Larson: Alright, we're back, with Canada's favorite superhero, Patman, and his sidekick, Noggin.

[Round of applause from audience]

Patman: Thanks, Ronny, it's great to be here on the This Evening Show!

Ronny: Now, here's something I've been wondering about. I read that if you have 23 people at a party, then there's a 53% chance that two of them have the same birthday. Can you tell us anything about this?

Noggin: Actually, yes it is indeed true...And, by coincidence, today happens to be Patman's birthday!

Ronny: How about that? Isn't that wild? Audience, let's give a special round of applause for Patman!

[Another round of applause from audience...Patman looks somewhat embarrassed, especially when the audience starts singing "Happy Birthday", on national television...and not very well, either]

Luckily for Patman, though, and to everyone's amazement, a metallic fuzzy dark blue car comes screeching onto the stage! But there's something suspiciously familiar about it.

Patman: You know, there's something suspiciously familiar about that car...

Not so luckily for Patman (and Noggin too), an older, yet somehow suspiciously familiar-looking, man in a strange, yet suspiciously familiar-looking costume, comes out...

Noggin: You know, there's something suspiciously familiar about th -- *COUGH!*

...and denotates a smoke bomb...By the time the air clears, Patman and Noggin are gone! And so is the suspiciously familiar-looking car!

Ronny: Well, it looks like our guests have disappeared. Anyone for some Stupid Math Tricks?

*POOF!* A lawyer wearing a hat with a peacock suddenly appears.

Lawyer: Sorry, but Stupid Math Tricks are the intellectual property of NBC. We're suing you for $3,141,592.65 dollars...

[Gratuitous lawyer jokes omitted...We're doing our part to save the electronic trees! Besides, you're probably wondering what happened to our heroes...They happen to be at the PatCave(TM)...]

Patman: Alright, who are you, and how did you know how to get into here?

Stranger: Well, you know, that combo lock only has 450 combinations, 1085 if you count all possible ones, but some of those are really bad, and I really think you should get better security...Where's that Derfla? But anyway, I set that combination myself.

Patman: What do you mean? *I* set the combination.

Stranger: Exactly!

Patman: Wait a minute, are you saying are me?

Stranger: Yes!

Noggin: I know Patman's been getting a few grey hairs recently, but...

Stranger: No, don't you see? I'm you, 33 years from now...From the future!

[Patman and Noggin gasp!]

Patman: That explains the suspiciously familiar-looking car...It must be the future PatMobile! Only when did you get the tires gold-plated? What about the onboard Cray, and the refrigerator...How can you - err, I - err, we - afford all this?

OldPat: Simple...Freedom 55, from London Life!

Patman: Freedom 55? We just got that yesterday...Freedom 55 paid for all this?

OldPat: Well, that start a software company which becomes enormously successful. But I shouldn't reveal too much about the future...

Patman: Why, because the very fabric of space-time could tear itself apart?

OldPat: Haven't you read any time-travel stories? Your future--my present--could be drastically affected if even a small change occurs in the past! Why, if I said the wrong words, PatSoft could cease to exist!

Noggin: PatSoft? What a silly name...

*POOF!* The future PatMobile suddenly disappears!

Noggin: Err, well maybe not that silly.

*POOF!* The future PatMobile reappears just as suddenly!

Patman: Hey, wait a minute! How come you didn't disappear along with the PatMobile?

OldPat: Oh, luckily I was wearing my PatPortableDisbeliefSuspensionField(TM): the ultimate plot device...It's imperative that I remain in the past until my task is complete. Oh, and it lets me do this:

[The older Patman jumps a couple feet into the air...And stays there...]

Patman (looking up): So what exactly is your task?

OldPat (looking down): Well, get in the PatMobile and I'll tell you...

[He floats over to where the future PatMobile is parked...Patman and Noggin follow in the same direction, but, momentarily forgetting that they are not also floating, bump into a desk. Finally catching on, they go around it... And into the no longer suspiciously, but still familiar-looking car...]

Burnaby, B. C., Canada
August and November 1993
(P.S. Can you spot the factual error in one of the episodes?)